If I'm Not in Love With You
by Xtina Jones
Summary: Jack is being held by the Others and Kate is having some revelations...AU from Season 3.Title from Faith Hill song.
1. What is This I'm Going Through?

Ok so this is an old story I had written and I decided to post it. It's from Kate's POV and it's basically just her dealing with Jack being with the Others still. It is definitely AU from what actually happened in Season 3, so ignore Season 3.

Disclaimer: Really?

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_If I'm not in love with you_

_What is this I'm going through tonight_

_And if my heart is lying then_

_What should I believe in_

_Why do I go crazy_

_Every time I think about you baby_

_Why else do I want you like I do_

_If I'm not in love with you_

It was the middle of the night. Kate lay on her back staring at the tarp ceiling above her. Sawyer's arm was draped across her stomach. She sighed and carefully slipped out of his grasp and into the dark night. Her feet led her, like they always did, to Jack's tent. She didn't go in because she knew he wasn't in there. She was reminded of that every day.

He was still with the Others. He had sacrificed himself so that she and Sawyer could escape. He was so stupidly selfless sometimes.

She wandered to the shore of the ocean and buried her feet in the wet sand. After a few moments she decided to sit on the dry sand instead. Sinking didn't have the same affect anymore.

She wrapped her arms around her body as a cool breeze washed over her. She wondered where he was and what they were doing to him. If they were hurting him because she had escaped, she swore she'd kill them.

She should be there right now. With him. She'd rather be with him, waiting to die, than safe on the beach. She was alone on the beach. Sawyer thought they were…together or something, but she wasn't so sure. Now that Jack wasn't here, she realized what deep down she had known all along; she wanted Jack. Not in a sexual way (who was she kidding, of course she wanted him like that); she wanted him to be safe, to be sitting next to her in the sand, to be lying next to her in his tent, just to be with her.

She needed him.

She got up and brushed the sand off her pants. Instead of returning to Sawyer's tent, she went to her own. She needed to think. She needed to plan. She needed a way to rescue Jack.

If she didn't get him back she'd never know what they could have had together.

She needed that chance.

Didn't they at least deserve that?

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Yes I know it's short. The next two chapters are about the same length, but the last one is really long so there.

Anyways,please review! I always like feedback even though this is an old story.


	2. Why is My Heart Aching?

_Since this is an old story, I have all the chapters ready to go. So here's the second one..._

_Enjoy!_

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_And if I don't need your touch_

_Why do I miss you so much tonight_

_If it's just infatuation then_

_Why is my heart aching_

_To hold you forever_

_Give a part of me I thought I'd never_

_Give again to someone I could lose_

_If I'm not in love with you_

It had been a month. She knew this because she had been keeping track. How could she not keep track when getting through each day was more painful than the one before?

Once again she was lying awake, but not in Sawyer's tent or her own. She was in Jack's tent.

It still smelled like him. At least that's what she told herself. This was the first night she had let herself stay here. She felt that her presence would desecrate the sacredness of his place.

She was surprised she cared so much. Since when had she been one to mope over a guy? Since when had she allowed herself to care this much for someone, someone she could lose and might already have?

She sighed and closed her eyes, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. Of course this led her to think of him again. She wished he were here. He would comfort her even though he was the cause of her pain.

If she could just hold him for one night, just see him for one day…She would give anything for a chance to tell him how she really felt, how she was sorry for letting him down, how she was sorry for betraying him by sleeping with Sawyer, how she needed him in her life. But she didn't have that option. She would never get to say any of those things. She would never get to see him again.

Deep down she knew this, but that didn't stop her from hoping.

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Yes, wicked wicked short I know...sorry :/ Review it and I'll put the next chapter up shortly!


	3. Someone Help Explain This Feeling

Ok I'm just gonna post this chapter too because I'm in a post-happy mood. Enjoy it, review it, and get prepared for the 4th, final, longest, and best chapter coming next!

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_Why in every fantasy_

_Do I feel your arms embracing me_

_Lovers lost in sweet desire_

_Why in dreams do I surrender_

_Like a little baby_

_Someone help explain this feeling_

_Someone tell me_

She tossed and turned in her sleep. For the past month she'd been having these dreams. They always came just when she was about to fall asleep, just when she had stopped thinking about him.

Every night the dream varied slightly, but it always featured one thing: Jack returning.

She would wake up, her heart racing, and she could swear she felt him there. But the feeling would soon fade, along with her joy, as her dream would fade to reveal the harsh reality.

Some nights she woke up with tears streaming down her face. Other nights she wouldn't recall the dream until the middle of the day. It would hit her like a load of bricks, and she'd have to leave a sympathetic Sun or Claire in the middle of a sentence. Both women tried to help her by being supportive, but she knew neither of them believed Jack would return. No one believed anymore after two months, no one but her.

This led her to isolate herself from the other castaways. She couldn't look at them and not think that it should be them, and not Jack, who was taken by the Others.

She busied herself with mundane island tasks, always volunteering to do anything that would keep her mind preoccupied. This never really worked because she used to do all these things with Jack.

She was still here, climbing trees and picking mangos, but he was no longer there to catch her if she fell. She used to be bothered by the fact that he was so overprotective. Now that she had no one to look out for her she needed protection the most. She needed someone to fix her broken soul, and there was only one man who could fix that.

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Short as usual!And kind of angsty...No worries!The last chapter has all the good stuff it in so review and you'll get it!


	4. If I'm Not in Love With You

Alright here is the final,and longest,chapter of this nice little song fic. Hope you all enjoy it!

By the way,the lyrics are from the Faith Hill song "If I'm Not in Love With You." Hence the title of this story.

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_If I'm not in love with you_

_What is this I'm going through tonight_

_And if my heart is lying then_

_What should I believe in_

_Why do I go crazy_

_Every time I think about you baby_

_Why else do I want you like I do_

_If I'm not in love with you_

She had been out in the jungle getting some guava. After three months she was finally able to bring herself to get some. No one had bothered to come get her when it had happened, probably because no one knew where she was.

She had returned to the beach and everything had seemed normal. She could detect a sense that something important had just happened, because everyone was gathered in little groups discussing something. She made her way to the water trough where she overheard something that almost brought her to her knees.

They had said he was back. She didn't believe it. She had waited this long, suffered so much, and then he just returned while she was gone.

She took a few deep breaths then walked slowly toward his tent. She kept her head down and almost ran into Hurley. She stopped a few feet from his tent. Claire was by the entrance, and she could hear Sayid and Sun's voices from inside.

Claire saw her and stuck her head in the tent. A moment later Sayid and Sun exited, both flashing her encouraging smiles. She smiled weakly back. Claire gave her a reassuring look, but it didn't help much. She stayed rooted to the spot, her eyes glued to the tent's opening. Her body began to tremble, with excitement or fear she didn't know.

After what felt like an eternity, he suddenly emerged from the tent. She could hear her heart beating wildly in her chest. They both stood there, evaluating each other, taking in how the other had changed.

Then their eyes met and she couldn't wait any longer. She ran to him and flung herself into his waiting arms. She clung to him desperately; afraid if she let go he would vanish like he did in her dreams. They stayed like that for a while until his voice broke the silence.

He sounded tired, older, worn out. But the way he said her name still had all the emotion it used to. She broke down and he guided her into his tent. He pulled her to him and sat in a salvaged airline chair. She buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed.

The whole time she could feel his hand rubbing up and down her back to calm her. Her tears subsided after a while, reduced to sniffles.

Finally, she looked up at him and noticed his eyes were shining with unshed tears. She slowly lifted her hand to his face and ran her fingers along his cheek. He had more stubble than the last time she saw him, but it felt comforting to her trailing fingertips.

His eyes stayed trained on her face until she could feel them on her.

"You're back," she whispered, a small smile creeping onto her face.

"I'm back," he said, repeating her words and returning her smile.

She laughed, something she hadn't done in a long time, and embraced him again. He laughed with her until they both found themselves lying on his makeshift bed facing the tarp ceiling.

They lay there, neither one wanting to move. She slowly inched her hand toward his until their fingers were laced together.

"I should let you rest," she said, squeezing his hand and sitting up.

She got up and left before he could protest…

She didn't see much of him the next few days. It seemed everyone had a problem he needed to fix, including her. She figured she had already waited three months, what were a few more days?

Before going to sleep that night, she went to his tent like she had been doing for the past few nights. She entered quietly and sat by the entrance, watching him sleep for a few moments before turning to leave.

"Kate? Is that you again?"

His voice stopped her in her tracks. Embarrassed, she turned to face him again.

"Sorry. I was just…just checking to make sure you were ok," she mumbled.

"Thanks," he said, smiling. "Why don't you have a seat instead of leaving this time?"

She obediently sat at the foot of his bed, occupying herself with her shoelaces.

"Is everything ok?" he asked, moving to sit next to her.

"I'm fine," she replied quickly.

"Are you sure?" he pressed.

"Why wouldn't I be fine Jack? It's not like you just came back from the dead after three months, the three longest, most painful months of my life. Do you know what I went through? Do you know how much I suffered? I've spent the past 92 days thinking about you, worrying about you, praying that you were alive and coming back. And now that you're here, it still hurts just as much."

"Oh Kate," he whispered, pulling her to him. "I had no idea. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Everything's gonna be ok. I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

She stayed in the comfort of his arms as he rocked her back and forth. After some time she finally managed to look up at him with teary eyes.

"I missed you," she choked out. "I missed you so much."

He brushed a stray tear from her face before cupping it in his hand.

"I missed you too," he whispered. "I thought about you every day. It was the only way I could get through each moment I spent there."

She couldn't wait for this moment any longer. She leaned in slowly until their foreheads were touching and she could feel his breath on her cheek.

"Jack," she breathed.

"Kate," he breathed back.

Her heart was racing and she could feel his beating wildly beneath her hand on his chest.

It was now or never.

"I love you."

Then his mouth was on hers and she gave in to his touch.

When he pulled away she saw tears in his eyes and she could feel them in her own.

"Do you mean it?" he whispered.

"Yes," she stated confidently.

"But I thought…you and Saw-"

She cut him off with a kiss. She pushed him down onto the bed, her hands running down his chest.

"Sawyer who?" she whispered into his ear. "It's always been you Jack. It always will be you."

He pulled her back to him kissing her passionately. She suddenly pulled away when she felt strange bumps on his chest.

"Jack," she choked out, holding back a sob, "what did they do to you?"

"Nothing," he replied quickly, pulling his shirt down.

She sat up quickly as her eyes flitted back and forth between his face and his hands clenching his shirt.

"Those scars aren't 'nothing' Jack," she whispered.

He closed his eyes as if recalling a painful memory, and she was afraid he was not going to respond.

"I know," he said after a while.

She moved to the foot of his bed and hugged her knees to her body.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked to no one in particular. She heard him sigh and then he was sitting next to her in a similar position. He reached for her hand and she reluctantly let him hold it.

"I figured you didn't need me to make you more upset. I didn't want anyone to know. I'd rather act like it never happened.

"Well it did happen. And now I know. I just son't know why they did whatever they did to you."

"You don't want to know why," he whispered hoarsely.

Her eyes locked with his.

"Tell me anyways."

"I can't Kate. It would just make things worse."

"I want to know why they hurt the man I love. I deserve to know."

She felt him squeeze her hand tighter as he looked away. After a few moments he returned his gaze to her.

"They were angry," he began, "because you had escaped. I was the only prisoner they had left so I took the punishment. I didn't mind. I got used to the pain after a while. As long as it was me they were hurting and not you, I didn't care what they did. Which made them more pissed off. They wanted you back, but I wouldn't tell them anything. I would have died before telling them anything. I almost did. Die that is. But I thought of you. And I hoped that you were with Sawyer and safe. I thought that maybe you had been rescued while I was there, and I hoped you had been acquitted. I hoped you were happy."

She looked up at him through tearstained eyes. She had moved so that she was in his lap with his arms wrapped tightly around her. She couldn't believe the things he had just said. Even when it was her fault he was suffering physical pain, he still wanted her to have happiness.

"I don't deserve a man like you," she said, sniffling quietly.

"Yes you do," he said immediately. "You deserve a man much better than me."

She shook her head in protest.

"You're the man I want though, so I'll have to settle for less," she quipped.

A smile broke out on his face and he kissed her softly on her head. She smiled back and snuggled deeper into his embrace, closing her eyes.

He sat there holding her in his arms, finally happy, finally content.

"Kate," he whispered, waking her from her partial slumber.

"Mhm?" she mumbled, slowly opening her eyes.

He paused.

"Well?" she asked. "You better have woken me up for a good reason because I was just-"

"I love you too," he said, interrupting her.

Her eyes connected with his and he could see her happiness radiating from them.

"Do you mean it?" she whispered, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Yes," he replied instantly.

Then she pulled him to her in a fervent kiss.

A little while later he found himself entangled with her under the blankets of his bed. Her head was resting on his chest and he watched it rise and fall steadily with each of his breaths. His fingers were absentmindedly running through her curly hair. A slight smile played across his lips. He couldn't believe that she was real, that she was his.

He kissed her lightly on the cheek before wrapping his arms around her and joining her in a blissful slumber...

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Aww wasn't that a sweet ending? It randomly switched to Jack's POV at the end...not quite sure how that happened. Anyways,drop a review if you wish. I'll get to work on writing something a little more relavent to seasons 4 and 5!


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